i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
