Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
