i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
