im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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