I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Randomize
