you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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