pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Randomize
