When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I still have a little drunk in my system
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
