Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
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