I think I won the penis lottery.
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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