all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
