Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
