You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
