I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
