I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!�
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Randomize
