how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Randomize
