My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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