dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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