I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
