So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
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