I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
