Dude my mom stole all your condoms
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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