last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
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