Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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