Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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