I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
