i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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