Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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