How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
