stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Randomize
