People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
