your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Randomize
