As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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