you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
