I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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