That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
