please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
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