in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
