Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
