Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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