you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
