he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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