She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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