Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
