What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
