Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
