i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
