meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
if i can run in heels then i can drive
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
