you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
