All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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