Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
