Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
