Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
