how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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