I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
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